VIOLETDOLOR

So, I watched Dark Knight with my sister, my brother, my brother’s girlfriend and my boyfriend last Saturday. Watching Batman movies is a family affair for us. Two things: I love Greenbelt Cinema. I love (x3) the Joker.

Seriously. There’s something very disturbing about how Heath Ledger played that character…all the more reason for me to really love him. I have a thing for crazy, psychotic guys. This movie would have made his career. I hope he gets a posthumous Oscar for it. I’m not going to go into detail…there’s enough spoilers in the net.

Other than that, my vacation leave has been pretty uneventful. I stayed at home to watch hours and hours of Scrubs. I went to the gym and worked out for about 4 hours. I’m in pain because of it. I did join the retro dance class at Fitness..classic Jade, I tripped and made a fool of myself. Was fun. I watched the boyfriend dance next to me. That was even more hilarious. He’s freakin’ hyperactive and he moves shakes his ass better than the gay guys in the class. Hmmmm…that’s interesting. I wonder….hahaha. I’m laughing by myself. Go figure.

Had pizza and beer with the girls last night..realized we’re way too old to drink like we used to. We started drinking around 8pm (like geeky old women) and ended at around midnight (which is a first, since we usually drink til daybreak).  We’re still pretty mean though. We’ve decided to attend the high school reunion so we can laugh at people who were such bitches in high school. God! I can’t wait to hear Den say it,  that line she used on whatsherface. Nike will be there too. I hope she scares the shit out of whoever spread the rumors that she’s dead. And we still don’t have a bride in this group. Hohum. I wonder who will be first. We ended the night with a visit to that sex shop in Metrowalk. Cool.

Finally, I love that I got to spend a lot of quality time with the boyfriend. It’s been awhile. We talked about a lot of important things, details of which I don’t care to share with others (well, not yet anyway).

Getting pretty bored with just sitting around at home. It’s midnight and I’m actually still playing around with my CRM (lurv the Love theme…baby pink and little hearts..makes me wanna lick my my monitor…eeewww…that’s not right). Email clean up is an even more annoying task. Can’t wait to go back to the office.

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Woohoo! Anyone who really knows me should know I go gaga over Eheads. My favorite song (since high school) has always been With a Smile. I love Ely. Period.

I’ve heard rumors that they’ll have a reunion concert end of August at CCP. If that ain’t true then those are damn nasty rumors. I hope whoever spread them gets herpes. If it is true, I love the person who did. hehe.

This is probably the only concert I’ll go to this year. I’ll brave the rain and poor people to see that band perform again. Shit that was mean. Who cares? This is my blog. Go away if you’re offended.

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I just realized it’s been a year since I last went on a vacation. So I checked how many VLs I had left, and yehey, I still have 5.81. So I’m taking three days off starting Monday. I’ve been abnormally busy the last few weeks with ISO documentation, setting up metrics, fixing work scheds, filtering hotel requests, preparing presentations and orienting 2 new writers. I think I accomplished a fair amount of work. There have been some issues here and there that I wish I had more time to handle and more energy to create a ruckus over…but I don’t. Still somewhat sick, but much better than the last 3 weeks.

Ganns dropped by the office the other day. He looks great. Too bad the writers are now in EV4 and most of them are new. I bet the old ones (two of them were absent that day) would have loved to see him.

Speaking of the writers, things are finally better with the team. I think sitting together makes a difference. One more and we’re a complete. She joins us this August. I hope they all stick around, at least until my birthday in February. Would love to have a drinking session with them. It would be unbelievably embarrassing if they see me drunk, but I’m not really one to care (hello! I threw up in public!).

I love my job, but it’s not without stress. So off I go on an adventure. I trust Abby and I know I can leave the team in her capable  hands.

What am I going to do? I have no idea. When I had the leave form signed I wanted to just ride a bus and not know where it’ll take me. I was planning on bringing a bottle of tequila and drinking myself to death in a strange place. I was having a bad day then. I emailed my best drinking buddies…Cel and Den, of course. Tried to persuade them that a night 5 days of irresponsibility would be so great for us. I think they almost said yes.

Then, we realized we’re all adults now and we can’t really do that anymore. So we’re going local. Dress up in our party shit. Drink like we’ve never done before. Make sure someone can reach us when we’re drunk dialing. Maybe I should just rent a room and we can work from there. At least that way Cel doesn’t have to drive.

I have my 5 days sorta planned out.

Saturday: Gym for 4 hours
Sunday: Dinner with old friends
Monday: Learn how to drive a manual car
Monday night: Drink like crazy
Tuesday: Get a second opinion about this horrendous cough from another doctor
Wednesday: Stare at fish….I mean go to Manila Ocean Park or maybe Enchanted Kingdom, because it’s fun.

I’ll probably cut it short and go back to work on Tuesday. I think I’m getting old.

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I’m tired. I’ve been sick for a week now. Everyone else I know was sick for three days tops. I hate it. If it has anything to do with respiratory problems, its bound to go really really bad for me. I just can’t miss another day of work. There’s so much I need to do.
I need to plant a tree on Friday for the company outing. I let my parents know and they are absolutely against it (not the tree planting part, but the 500 meter climb and the sweating and all). Haha. It feels funny, like I need permission from my parents to go on a field trip. But I know they’ll end up getting really mad if I do something crazy to worsen my condition.

Cough, are you ever going to go away? I just want one night of sleep. 

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Being sick the last few days actually made me realize something. I need to change my life.

I am selfish. I have so many blessings in life that I take for granted. I live in a nice home with an amazing room fit for a princess. I have a great family that has an odd way of showing affection, but I always feel loved. I have a boyfriend who is always there when I need him and is really a pillar in my life. I have friends that get me in trouble, but can make me feel so good when life gets bad. I have all the material things that I need and so much more. I work for a great company, with a job that I truly love. I have everything any 27 year old could ever dream of.

I am selfish because I keep forgetting to share my blessings. It’s not like I don’t, I used to do it a lot. I’ve been joining outreach programs since I was 16. I lived with Aetas for a week. I spent a day in that orphanage that got burned to the ground a couple of years ago (that really broke my heart). I worked with a couple of friends on a book drive and we were able to give away children’s books to the less fortunate. I volunteer for Special Olympics every year in college (and around 2 years ago as an alumni). Last Christmas we went to a children’s hospital to give them gifts. But it’s not enough. Lately, I’ve missed out on my duties as a Christian. I haven’t helped anyone but myself.

Today, I went to the mall — coughing, wheezing, sniffling and nearly fainting — to buy more meds. I passed by some stalls like the World Wildlife Fund and Greenpeace. I already pledged a recurring donation to WWF last week. I spoke to the Greenpeace guy (he was a bit surprised that I approached him when most people try to avoid them like the plague). I promised I’d be back on Monday to donate something and be a member. I hope I don’t forget.

One of my greatest dreams is to join the United Nations as a volunteer to feed the hungry children of the world. I said I’d do it when I turn 27 (which is the age they accept volunteers). I made a pact with a guy that had the same dreams when we were in college. He’s a family man now. We talked recently. He’s flies planes and he said that maybe someday he’ll fly me to Africa for that.

I, however, have no excuse but my own fear. I don’t want to leave the good life. Though the Philippines is a third world country, I have the best life. I go to parties. I’m always at out-of-town. I’m often at the beach. I’m found drinking with my friends at least once a month. I shop a lot.

Whatever happened to that girl who though she could change the world? She thought kindness would help alleviate suffering. She thought poetry would stir the emotions of society (just like Chile in the days of Pablo Neruda).

I miss her.

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I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. None that I regret. But here’s my top 3 dumbest ideas that had really bad consequences:

3. The Speed Drinking Contest - Night out with the girls. What I thought would be a fun game ended in the worst night of my life. Who knew downing 2 glasses of Weng Weng in under a minute could lead to a lot of throwing up…in public. Got banned from the bar. Cried my eyes out over a guy. Ended up in someone else’s clothes (to this day, I have no clue where I got those nice pants). Couldn’t remember anything else. BTW, I won that game.

The speed drinking contest

That got us so drunk

2. Bleaching my hair and coloring it red - I was working in the US. Got bored out of my mind. Didn’t know it would ruin my hair so bad. It took me nearly two years to grow it out and cut off the part with the “burnt” hair.

1. Piercing my tongue - Cel’s birthday 2006. I was waiting for her for an hour. Got bored again. Walked over to the mall and got it done. When I came back, she was there. The drinking started and forgot about the piercing. Ate a cherry. It started bleeding. That thing had pus for 2 weeks. I couldn’t eat anything solid. My boyfriend hated it sooo much. I gave it to him as a present last year…removed it permanently, I mean. The mark is still there.

Thank God for digital photography and friends who take pictures of the stupid things you do. I have proof. That should remind me not to do it again. Hehe.

Things that I learned from these not-so-smart moves:

1. When I get bored I do a lot of crazy things.
2. Red doesn’t suit me. Purple was way better.
3. My special friend Weng Weng is very influential in my life…and not in a good way. That picture with the tongue piercing ..yep, that’s him again in front of me (with my other good buddy San Mig).

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I found out last night that I had some sort of bacterial infection. That really sucks. I’ve already missed a day and a half of work. Now, for fear of this thing being contagious, I’m not coming in again. Whatever this is, it’s not fun. I’d rather have dengue fever or bronchitis again. So here’s what happened:

Monday: Was already feeling sorta sick. Still got up and went to work. It was a very uneventful day. Meetings. Meetings. More meetings. By half my shift, I was burning up. I felt queasy, like I was about to faint so I asked Mike if I could go home. On my way to Greenbelt, I got hit by the downpour and was soaking wet. I waited an hour and a half for a cab. The ride home was another hour.

Tuesday: Didn’t think it was possible, but the fever actually got worse. The colds started to set in as well. I went on sick leave. Good news is, boyfriend came bearing fruits that night. He actually stayed with me and watched me all night as I tossed and turned. He’s such a sweetie. I only had 2 hours of sleep.

Wednesday: Back to work, came in late and missed a big meeting. Fever subsided, but the sniffles got much much worse. Got a sore throat and I started coughing as well. Did not sleep at all that night.

Thursday: Another work day. Planned ahead and emailed the agenda regarding up-coming meetings, prepared for the management meeting. Finished up all pending assignments. Missed lunch because I was so busy working. Cough was getting really bad. I didn’t want it to develop into bronchitis again so as a preventive measure, I went to see a doctor. Thank God for insurance! Turns out I have that bacterial thingy and I was asked to take antibiotics. Damn expensive..P95 a piece and that’s generic. I have to take it twice a day for a week, then come back for a check-up. If I don’t get better, I’ll need a chest x-ray. My eyes started to dry out.

Friday: That’s today. I woke up 6am. Wanted to go to work but I couldn’t open my eyes. Really bad case of sore eyes. I swear. I could barely see and it’s so gross. Having had sore eyes, before I decided to stay home again, in case this thing is contagious. I still have a slight fever, a sore throat, cough and colds.

If anything else comes up, I’m just going to kill myself. This is not fun. It’s not the kind of sickness you stick out while watching a movie or two…I can’t open my eyes, dammit! I could only see the WYSYWIG part of this interface and it’s all blurry (so pardon the misspellings)

I just want to go to work. I really really do. I have a new copywriter. Abby’s leading her first meeting. I don’t want to miss these milestones. Honestly, if whatever bacterial infection I have wasn’t this obvious, I’d go to work today.

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At 23, I became one of the youngest loan processors in the US. I closed more than $50 million worth of loans. I was a former secretary in that company. I worked my way up to transaction coordinator. Then I became the loan processor,  I studied the entire process in two weeks. I hate math.

Two years ago, I was studying basic Spanish. The company I worked for had a call center. They received a call from a Spanish-speaking guy. I was asked to take it despite my limited knowledge of the language. I did. I got him to email us his request. It was not easy. I worked in that company as a copywriter, not a call center agent.

A year and a half ago, I was working two jobs. My first shift was for my part-time work. I was there from 4pm to 8pm. I grabbed a cab to Ortigas and spent an hour on the road. By 9pm, I was at my full-time work. I was out by 7am. I checked my mail before leaving the office. My part-time employer needed me to finish a copy for a really tough client. I went back to Makati. Spent an hour in traffic again. Worked til 12pm, that’s about 18 hours of work and 2 hours of traffic.

Last year, I had a really bad cough that turned into bronchitis. I had it for 5 days. Unfortunately those days fell on work days. I was at both jobs for all 5 days. 

Last February, I planned a Cebu trip a month prior to my flight date. A day before the trip, an emergency meeting was called. The minute I heard, I went out on lunch break to re-book my flight. Cost me a bundle. I even had to cancel some sightseeing trips because of that.

I have worked 24-hour shifts. I’ve launched 14 hotel websites in a single week (working only 4 hours a day). I created full website copies with no resources in under a day. I’ve been sent to the most uninviting places and talked to not-so-friendly individuals as a reporter. I’ve paid my dues.

What is dedication? This is.

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It’s comforting to know that we’ve reached a new phase in our relationship after 2 and a half years. Sometimes I can’t believe it’s been that long. When we met, he was the company’s network administrator (and the all-around IT guy) and I was a copywriter. I made landi so I could have him install computer games on my PC. I won him over but never got my games.

Last night, I was fuming mad. Ranting and raving. Then my phone beeped…text message. He was coming over to see me. And then we talked for hours. It’s odd how he’s having the same problems as I am. We’re both at the managerial level now. We make big decisions and sometimes there are uncertainties with those decisions we make.

I love that I could share that with him.

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Being a manager is not easy. It’s Friday night and I’m still thinking about work. I’ve made several big decision in the past month and I know upper management isn’t exactly going to be happy with all of them (specially the ones that entail additional cost). I’ve been doing a lot of little things for people I manage directly. I don’t think anyone appreciates it though.

You know that cliche..stuck between a rock and a hard place. That’s how it feels . My head is going to explode soon. Now I get what my manager meant two years ago. Not everything has to be cleared with the people. If it’s something to their advantage (say a bonus), they feel like the company owes it to them. If it’s something for the company’s sake, they’ll react like you’re being unfair.

I just hope I don’t get my ass sacked for sticking up for people, demanding more for them and making sure the team is happy. The sad part is, I’ve lost so many people in the last three months that I feel like a complete failure. One person due to health reasons, another due to pregnancy, another to motherhood. The fourth is for a personal reason. Is there something they’re not telling me? Is it just a streak of really bad luck?

I need this moment for myself. I need to bitch. Maybe drink a bit a lot. I don’t know. I’m sad, disappointed and just plain tired. I want to give up but the nagger in me keeps telling me to stick it out. What’s the worst they can do? Demote me probably. Ugh.  Good luck.

I was perfectly happy where I was 4 months ago. I love my team and they love me back. I love my manager. I love the work. I used to go to work everyday because I was actually happy with everything. Even with my very first team in the company (where I am still recognized and treated like an adopted member), everything was rainbows and daisies. Those guys rock!

Now with the new group, I’m the outsider again. I’m going out on a limb here, I’ll try to socialize and actually be a better manager starting Monday. I’m sacrificing the relationship I have with my original team to try and get along with the other set better. I’m going to shuttle between two buildings just to make this work. God help me. I’m a social retard.

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